I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
