so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
