dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
