There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
