Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
do nipples grow back?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
