I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
His nipple licking is glorious
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