Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
