My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
