You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
