I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
