did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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