You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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