My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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