Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
