i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
whose parrot is this?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
