1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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