that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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