rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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