also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize