This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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