I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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