I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
