The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
