Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
