I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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