When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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