i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
