Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
