one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
