"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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