Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
