Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize