chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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