I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
