We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
