Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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