Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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