Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
