why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
