Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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