Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
