Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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