dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
