I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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