im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
