i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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