It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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