u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
