So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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