i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
