I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
