I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
