Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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