you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
