Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
