I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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