Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
