Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
