I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
