YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
