4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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