Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize