Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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