a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
