I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
