Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
they need to just BURY HIM!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
