I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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