omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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