i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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