My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
