The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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